I realize now, that codependency is just another, more cleverly disguised form of self harm and self blame. But, it looks more "holy" than outright self harm. I found it easier to buy into the lie of holding my father and brother's shaming projection for them, than to face my deepest pain of being scapegoated and rejected by them. But, I have to be kind to myself - it was forced upon me as a child. How could I know, not to absorb it. I just never had anyone tell me back then that its not my fault.
I have carried their shaming punishment all my life. But, Jesus has given me the courage to realize and accept this painful rejection, so that I may let it be exposed to the Light, and released to God. They don't hold the key to my freedom, I do... And it's the Key that Jesus gave me.
Jesus chose to reach me and meet me in my cage of forced silence, because that's where the darkest pain in my life was keeping me from seeing Who I truly am. It's been a long journey, but, step by step, He transformed my deepest darkness into a radiant Sanctuary - where the lies of shaming have no power over me anymore.
And Here is my forgiveness made whole- I don't want them trapped in the disease that they tried to off-load onto me. Of course not. But, I do not trust them, and rightly so. They have never shown themselves to be trustworthy. Only God's Spirit can cause them to see. And I want God's healing for them. But, I will remain in Christ's Freedom and Higher Love - set apart from the oppressive ways that they live by. In this case, that means guiltlessly upholding the clear boundaries Jesus has shown me.